The Rolling Phone
Yes that reads rolling, it isn’t a misspelled word, an autocorrect, and certainly not a sign of me being uneducated or suffering from the early onset of Alzheimer’s. Rolling is the word I meant.
Yes this is a bitching session. My daughter is always telling me she hates my earpiece to my phone. Even though I have one of the better ones, or so I’m told, it does have its little quirks and it tends to aggravate her when I use the darn thing. I have tried to minimize its use when talking to her.
What I haven’t done is express to her how I feel about her putting her phone on speaker in her car. All three of my daughters do this. I understand the safety issues with this convenience but I also am more than a little aware of the drawbacks to it as well.
First when I call them and they answer via their car, you probably understand now how this little tome came by its title, they tend to neglect to inform me that there is someone in the car with them until way into the conversation if they bother to tell me at all before the next day. More often than not the other person in the car with them is their other halves. What if I have suddenly decided I despise the knuckleheads they’ve paired up with and I take that moment to express that feeling. The possibility that this will have passed by the next day and I am once more happy with my daughter’s choices it makes apologizing problematic and what may have been a great relationship between any one of them is now down the crapper. The flip side of that is that if I am in the car with one of my girls and their other half calls that tends to be the first thing they do. They warn those suckers which now makes me wonder what these little darling have to say about me that they have to be warned about my presence. Not to mention how quickly do these little buggers start in on good old mom. Bite me boys.
The second issue with this is that my girls may have their little darlings in the car with them, no I’m not talking about the guys, and if I’m having a really hard day I may have something come out of my mouth I do not want them to hear. The first thing these girls should say is that I have you grandchild or grandchildren in the car so heads up before you say something you don’t want them to hear. You shouldn’t wait until I have spouted out at least a half dozen four letter words that I wouldn’t have used in front of my mother little on my precious little grandchildren. They’ll hear enough of that kind of talk when they start preschool. One already has heard her fair share since she is in the first grade and with two years under her belt she is already bilingual when it comes to street language. Thankfully if she is using it she is evidently smart enough not to use it in front of the adults in her life so for.
The third little problem is that when you put your phone on your car speakers it picks up every little bump, jingle, gust of wind, or scream your child emits in a volume that would make a deaf person sit up and pay attention to. The cacophony of racket that is picked up through your phone makes me wonder if the noise was too much for you and you have jumped out the window of your moving vehicle to get away from the one thousand elephants marching in steel toed army boots while they all beat out the nerve racking ditty on bass drums that has been stuck inside your head for the past week. Another words my dear sweet daughter, I CAN’T YOU. You then have the audacity to get pissed at me because I keep asking you to repeat yourself.
So I’m asking you to A. not answer the phone when I call if you are in your car whether you’re alone or not. B. Do not call me back until you have arrived at your destination and you can talk through that expensive little trinket that we are all so damn attached to. C. Please, please take all of what I just wrote in the manner in which it is meant. To be more precise, keep the damn phone in your purse, pocket, console, just make sure that I will not be on the receiving end of the nightmare that is your car connection to your phone.
She was definitely a few pieces shy of a complete Erector Set.
"Nice equipment." said Alison.
"Don't I know it."
Would someone please make him stop excreting humanly body fluids?