A very dear young man pored his hear out tonight for all to see. He laid out all the things he had done and trying to make amends for those transgressions and was met with the back of the person he was trying to reach.
We can’t always fix the things in our past, it would be nice if we could, but sometimes we just can’t. The point is he tried.
I know that too often people who have done us wrong come back and say I’m sorry and then turn around and do something, usually worse, and once again we are left putting the pieces back together. In this case that’s not what is going on. The young man means what he says.
What we all have to remember is that one day we will all be gone and once we are there is no making amends. You can’t go back and say I’m sorry because the other person is gone and your pleas will fall on not only deaf ears but dead ones. You will never had the opportunity to know whether or not you could have fixed things between you and too often we don’t realize this until it’s too late. Right now you think it’s OK to leave things as they are because you know that other person is still there should you ever change your mind. That’s not always going to be the case.
I have four people I wish I could say something to but now that can never happen. One is my mother, one is a brother, one is my father, and one is my son. That last one hurts me most of all. It isn’t important how, when, or when, it just is.
For all four I would give anything to be able to say I love you but I would also like to tell them that for any harm I ever brought any of them, I’m so very sorry. It was never intentional and in some cases it what I thought was best at the time. They are all gone now and I will never have that opportunity to try if not make it right at least they would all know they were loved, and still are, but nothing I ever did was done out of meanness or spite.
With what happened to the young man I was talking about earlier he took a wrong path and has been doing everything he can to set himself right. How far could his brother’s love go to help him achieve that goal? Whatever mistakes this young man made are on him and no one else and he isn’t trying to lay them at the door of another. He simply wanted a chance to try and set of the things he had done in the past. So to the brother of this young man I say to you. Don’t let this pass you by. One day you will look back on it and you will regret it far more than you can ever imagine. When that day comes and you haven’t reached out that hand to your brother I sincerely hope there is someone there for you who can help you through the pain I know you are ultimately going to suffer, and you will suffer.
May God bless you and help you find the heart to forgive. No one is asking you to forget, just forgiveness and move forward into something that could hold far more for you than you ever thought possible.
You see I happen to think the world of that brother of yours. He’s been my rock on many occasions. I would proudly call him my son.
I know you don’t know me from Adam but I know your brother and if there is any of him in you then I pray you find a way to forgive your brother because I don’t want you to feel the pain I have had to endure.
God bless you my boy and may he help you to find it in your heart to forgive your brother.
I went to see my cardiologist for a follow up visit on Thursday wanting to put a cork in the bottle regarding whether or not I was having issues with my heart. I’m not by the way or at least nothing to be real concerned about at my age and the bad news for the world is that he has told me I should be around another thirty years are so. Yea for me and sorry for the rest of the world.
When asking the few final questions one of them was ‘are you having nightmares’ and then to my surprise throwing out a rather gruesome scenario for one. I responded that’s not a nightmare that’s a reason for me to jump up and start writing and that makes happy. Well the doctor’s scenario has been rolling around in my head, pun intended, ever since he popped out with it. Yes I’m going to write the story but I don’t think that he would have expected that and certainly not the way it rolled out, yes that’s another pun.
My surprise, although why it should have been because of what this doctor is, when this came rolling out of his mouth damn near made me fall off the examining table.
Let’s get something straight here, as a rule I hate doctors. There are a few that I have either met or been treated by that hold places in my heart and this awesome man is one of them. That this man is one of the top in field is an understatement and I have known him professionally for many, many years. He is an unbelievable doctor. No as for his bedside manner, you couldn’t ask for a more caring and compassionate person to treat you. He is going to do his best to reassure you and put you at ease. Yes I know it sounds like this is a review for his medical practice or even that I might have a crush on this adorable human being. My daughter if made that statement before she had to go see him recently and then she met him. She walked out and turned to me, yes I was with her, and said “I get it. He really is everything you say he is and all you’re doing is stating the facts.”
The rest of the story is what makes the rest of this rhetoric important. This dear wonderful professional, and he is most certainly that, always presents himself as such in his appearance and mannerisms. He reminds me of a courtly gentleman from days gone past. The way he presents his arm to a lady to walk her to the exit. Don’t get me wrong I’ve seen him walk the men to the exit he just doesn’t offer his arm. He shakes their hands and or pats them on the shoulder giving them parting words of encouragement and praise. He always has a kind word for anyone he meets no matter where it is or what time it is. Believe me I know. I’ve run into this doctor all hours of the night at the hospital and on so very many occasions. Some time ago I was at the hospital all night for years because of first my mom and then my husband’s. That’s how I met the man the first time, he was my deceased mother-in-law’s cardiologist. As it turned out I was always the one to take her to all her doctors appoints no matter who the doctor was. He is always perfectly put together with not a hair out of place. No it isn’t vanity, just how he is. I can tell you this, he does inspire you to take care of yourself and without verbally slapping you around but instead uses kindness.
That why when he popped out with the scenario he did I found it so funny. You just wouldn’t expect it from him.
Any I have a story to write now before I post this.
There Will Be More
The woman running down the hill stopped suddenly as she heard her husband scream out behind her.
“No!” The resounding high pitched sound of her husband’s voice breaking through the night was enough to give anyone chills in spite of the oppressive heat that permeated the night.
She turned to see the taboo of her husband and the man standing in front of him silhouetted by the large bright full moon behind them. The image reminded her of some cartoonish sight from an old movie scene. She watched as the ax swung through the night air making contact with the side of her husband’s neck slicing her husband’s head completely from his body.
This sent the head of the man she loved go spinning through the air end over end. The blood that the heart had shortly before pumped into it now sprayed the red droplets liquid flying out in a pinwheel pattern as it made it way outward and then took the arched pathway to the ground. The soft thud like sound it made as it hit the earth barely registered with the woman as she watched her husband’s head now roll downhill and coming to a wobbling stop face up on the toe of her right shoe. The shock of the horrific sight held her glued in place totally forgetting for that critical moment as the ax welding dark figure made his was slowly down the hill toward her.
The woman wasn’t aware of the ax welding silhouette being at her side until she heard a swishing sound and felt the razor sharp blade kiss the soft skin of her neck. This was followed by a quick unbelievable rush of pain through her head as her spine was sliced and her head was severed from her body. Now it was her head that went flying leaving a red trail of blood as her now numb body stood headless for a moment before falling first to her knees then forward onto the ground. The result of this was to remove the barrier that had held her husband’s prisoner and one of her feet giving it a slight kick as she hit the ground and his head went rolling again down the hill pursuing hers.
The man’s head hit something in the road and took a slight turn sending it rolling off toward the side of the road and coming to rest again on the soft shoulder of the night blanketed asphalt. The woman’s rolled a little further down the thoroughfare before it too came to rest on the opposite side from her husband’s.
The lone ax welding man watched the two oblong objects roll down the hill and come to rest before he turned his attention back to the body of the woman. She had been pretty he thought. He noticed a couple of locks of her dark curly hair lying next to her body where they too had been severed from her head when the ax had made contact with her neck. A warm breeze caused one of them to slowly spin like the pin on a compass in a ninety degree turn with the end of the lock of hair now pointing downhill toward the woman’s head as if it were pointing in its direction. It almost reminded the man of an accusing finger pointing out what he had just done. If this had been an act of passion or some unforeseen act it might have had some affect on him. He only found it to be interesting.
The man continued to stare at the woman’s body as his mind processed what he had just done. Yes it had been a brutal and messy way to kill but he had enjoyed it. As he stood over the woman, or what was left of her a pleasant sensation traveled up his spine and then made a return trip back down coming to an enjoyable end in the abdominal area of his body.
He had just brutally killed two people tonight but he wasn’t through. He had been holding this in for years and tonight it had finally broken free in him. He had tried to fight it but no longer could. He wiped the edge of the ax on the woman’s clothes and turned to continue down the hill. No he wasn’t through. He had others he wanted to dispatch the same way he had this couple. He wanted to get as many in tonight before anyone knew what was happening because he had no doubt that he himself would be dead by this time tomorrow night. Yes before this night was over there would be more.
The scenario the doctor threw out when he asked me if I had nightmares; do you have nightmares of someone getting their head chopped off and it rolling downhill. Nope, I write about it.
There’s a new kid in town and it’s working to try and bring Independents together. I don’t know if it will help us any but I do know we need something. We’re fighting an uphill battle. I’ve been doing a lot of research into what is going on with distributors, independents, and the market for the past couple of weeks and it ain’t looking too good for us.
The distributors are going to highlight the works of the already established authors so even if your work is better no one is going to find it unless they are looking for you specifically and if people don’t know you they won’t be looking for you. If they haven’t read something of yours and they do happen to come across one of your books in their search the odds are extremely high they are just going to keep scrolling past you.
Because of this you’ve got a lot of people out there claiming they can help you if you hand them a lot of money but once they have the money you are left holding the bag. Just so you know if you don’t already, that bag is empty. Don’t believe me. Look inside. Do you see any cash in there? I didn’t think so.
Please if you’re an independent author, or an independent of any type, video, audio, or whatever. Check this site out. They’re not asking for anything from you except that you help them get the word out by sharing what you’ve been through with your creative work. You can email them at,
Will it help you, probably not but it certainly isn’t going to hurt you. What you share could help someone else and who knows what someone else shares may help you.
It is becoming harder and harder for the independent author to get their books out there. Even if you do the chances of you being able to sell the damn thing is nearly impossible.
Let’s start out with Createspace, unless you are planning on doing an audio CD or a DVD it has become useless. Paperbacks have been moved to Amazon and that means the ones you already might have had on Createspace. I found this out when I went to upload a new book and also found out that for the next ‘8’ weeks the books I did have on Createspace will not be available through anyone but Amazon. In my opinion that is just short of steeling my rights to my work since I opted for full distribution to every distributor. So if someone wanted to go to Barnes & Noble or any other outlet to get my books that option has been closed to them and me.
Let’s talk Lulu. If you don’t have an ISBN number they become the listed publisher of your work and they have the rights to control all bibliographic data regarding your work. Now I don’t know about you but for me one of the things that drew me to being independent, and yes the fact it is easier to get published, was the fact is that I had full control of my work. Of course I found out that’s not the actual case with any self-publishing company.
I have researched nearly every self-publishing company listed, especially the supposedly top ten, and to say that none of them seem to do a really great job is an understatement. From shoddy products to questionable issues with sales and payments the complaints run the list of bad things a company can do when it comes to your work. I’ve about come to the conclusion that if you truly want to be an independent author then you had better go out and buy all the equipment to print ad bind your books yourself and then set up your own store and sell your books there.
We all know that the best return for your work is an eBook but unless you have a million friends willing to buy the damn things then you’re not very likely to go very far with that either. Smashwords I have to say does the best it can but it also is a money based company and they are going to promote the books that have managed to have the number of buyers that makes it profitable for them. That’s not something they do to be asses, it’s just business. I do think they try to be as fair as they can to everyone who publishes with them but like I said unless you can get a whole lot of people to buy your books then you flapping in the wind.
Yes there is social media and I’ve used it, boy have I used it. I haven’t seen a lot of reward in that however. Yes there is the possibility that I’m just a lousy writer but to be honest, and I am being honest here, everyone who has read my books have said they were great. Yes more people have read them other than friends and family. Hey, I have one family member who doesn’t like my work and has made that abundantly clear. He told me I was no Steven King. Have you looked at me big brother? Do I look like Steven King, wait don’t answer that. If you were to tell me I did then I would be upset, really upset. I’m not saying that Steven King is unattractive it’s just that I’m female and as a female looking like Steven King is not something I would consider a good thing. Don’t think my husband would think so either. If by some chance Steven King ever does read this, hey man please don’t take offense to this because I think your adorable but as a man. A woman looking like you would be a horror story for her I promise.
As for my writing…I’m not trying to be the man. Who could be? Steven King is in a class all by himself and no one can compete with him and honestly I don’t want to even try. I write in my own style with my own ideas that come out of my own twisted mind. Yes it is twisted.
Anyway back to the real issues. I’m not saying give up, I’m certainly not. I am thinking about taking a little different route but I’m not quite ready to say what that is yet but if I do, and I will, I’ll let anyone who is interested know how that turns out.
Let’s face it, we all have one, mine has been today. It started out with my dear hubby having to go to the funeral of the sister of his first wife. Now why this should put me off I don’t know and I actually supported him going for the sake of my stepdaughters. Buddy even asked me to go with him but I didn’t think that would be appropriate. No I didn’t split up his first marriage but still…there are some things you just respect and imposing yourself somewhere that could cause discomfort to people who are grieving is just not done. But still, it put me off. Now if you’re thinking that him being around his first wife was the issue, it wasn’t. That dear poor lady passed many years ago. So this was just a matter of me being a baby about the whole thing.
From there it went to me deciding to go shopping and boy was that a mistake. First of all doing anything in this fair city, I use that description in a sarcastic manor, has become problematic at best. A lady my husband works with was on her way home from work the other night and thought her car ran over some large rocks only to get home and find out that her car was riddled with bullet holes. Fortunately the lady wasn’t hurt but only through the grace of God or pure dumb luck, whichever way you might choose to look at it. Personally I go with the grace of God. One poor lady got shot one night last week because she wouldn’t let this person break in front of her to go see an attraction. She survived thankfully but still she was shot.
Then there are the drivers here. Getting on the streets of this city and trying to get anywhere is like entering the world’s most dangerous demolition derby. The only rule when it comes to driving here is that there are no rules. Think I’m exaggerating? Come by and visit and then you can tell me if I’m exaggerating. The traffic was made worse not only by the Christmas shopping season but there were several major events today in town and God love the people visiting this town and I hope they all made it out without incident.
Wait that’s not quite how it went for one event. There was a big marathon here this morning that ended up having to be delayed a couple of hours due to the weather. If I tell you that the high reached the mid-seventies here you might think that was a good thing. Nope. It came with a mildly severe storm that kept people inside in the early morning hours.
Now let’s talk about that weather. The storms moved out by about nine thirty or ten o’clock this morning and the rest of the day was sunny and bright, boy was it bright. So back to the intelligent idea of me going shopping. Right off the bat I no more than made it to my car when I realized that what I was dressed in wasn’t going to work for the day. I had to turn around and come back in and change shirts because what I had on, and it wasn’t heavy by any means just long sleeves, was only going to make me miserable. I should have considered the bottom half of my attire as well. It was a day more for something of a shorter nature and sandals but I stuck with my leggings and low hung boots. OK I’m an idiot.
After a few short trips into a couple of stores and deciding that there was no way in hell I was going to stand in lines two miles long to check something out, I gave up.
At one point I called my hubby to see if he would be much longer and he didn’t answer his phone. Alright I get that the poor man probably had it turned down to keep from disturbing anyone so I sent him a message. After waiting for a short but what I considered a reasonable amount of time I made up my mind I was going to stop and get me something to eat, bring it home, crawl into something comfortable, and eat my meal in piece. I made up my mind what it was I wanted and after playing dodge cars with several idiots finally managed to make it to my restaurant of choice and made my order, got it, and headed back toward the house taking the long route around in order to stay out of the way of the crazies on the main streets. I had one quick stop to make on the way home and it was a quick one. Great almost done with this day from hell and when I got to the cashier the people in front of me suddenly decided that they had forgotten something and every one of them stepped away leaving me the only one in line. Finally something going my way. Then my phone rang.
“Hey honey, where are you?” Buddy asked in his most cheerful voice.
“I’m standing in a checkout line, where are you?” I have to say my voice was a bit hesitant.
“I’m at the house. Where do you want to go to eat?”
Are you f’n kidding me? Where do I want to go eat? I want to go home and stick my hand into this bag I just picked up and chow down on this lovely sub sandwich that I’ve been dreaming of for the past couple of days.
“You haven’t eaten?” I asked a little shortly.
“Oh I nibbled on a couple of things but I didn’t really eat anything to speak of.” He responded with his most innocent voice.
So I drive home toss the lovely sub in the fridge, which will be garbage by tomorrow, and headed out the door yet again to fight the bright evening sun, the traffic, and my now more than slightly irritated attitude only to hear from my dear sweet hubby…
“Oh I did have a barbecue at so-and-so’s house.” My hubby informs me as we pass a police officer in the middle of the street patting down someone and putting handcuffs on them. It’s a miracle that the officer didn’t hit a grand double at that point. Yes hubby still lives but I suggest he gives me a wide berth for the rest of the evening. Things could get ugly.